A blog post (not a logically-composed essay) on map-making, orthodoxy, heresy, and LIFE

I was driving with the boys to school not long ago and saw the bumper sticker that read “Reality doesn't care what you believe”. I love that, and it meshes well with my understanding of what is real and what we project onto our view of reality.

As we were driving, I had my GPS navigation system on, and it told me I was going the wrong way because we were taking an on-ramp to our right onto the little highway we take to school, rather than turning left over railroad tracks onto a road that existed 6 months ago but doesn’t exist now. It was a good thing that I was willing to follow my own knowledge of reality even though the electronic map I was using reflected an old reality and had the authority of being the map.

My mind drifted to the doctrine of “limbo”, and the way that it arose from the theological discussions and arguments over the last 2000 years, and the way it was affirmed by the councils of the middle ages, and the way it was rejected finally in this last decade. Sometimes perspective cannot be clear until analyzed by those who come next – and sometimes our map of reality is more a tool to comfort us than a tool to base real choices on.

But, indeed, our beliefs do matter . . . because they are our map of reality, and most of our choices do come directly from our beliefs.

This morning I read this quote from Albert Einstein: “A successful man is he who receives a great deal from his fellow men, usually incomparably more than corresponds to his service to them. The value of a man, however, should be seen in what he gives, and not in what he is able to receive.”

And that gets to the heart of any of our maps: where are we trying to go, and how do we know when we’re there? And if we don’t like it when we get there, are we supposed to stay there?

I love map-makers and map-sellers. I have profound gratitude to the writers and thinkers and speakers and teachers and pastors and parents who have formed me and formed my maps. It is a high calling.

But I am dismayed with the idea that we need to blindly stay with “orthodoxy” and avoid “heresy”. If our loyalty is to anything but reality, we are deluded . . . and if we are selling or teaching others that they should ignore reality in favor of some set of cognitive beliefs that we were taught and we are teaching, we are evil personified. The only thing to be gained from a blind loyalty to “orthodoxy” is a membership card to the current power class as they strive to retain power and authority.

None of that is to say that “orthodoxy” and the struggle to define it is not a worthy pursuit, or that denominations and individuals should not make judgments about what is true and what is not. We should and we must, because we must have working maps. (Am I a Presbyterian or what? Constant reformation, but decently and in order!)

It IS to say that individuals have a higher calling than map-making or map-buying, and so do denominations and churches. Our calling is to LIVE and LOVE and experience the reality we have mapped!

Whether one believes that there is a new heaven and new earth awaiting us on the other side of the grave and the resurrection of the dead (which I do still literally believe) or whether one believes that it is unnecessary delusion (a view which I respect and hear), one only has THIS MOMENT to live now, and will only have the current THIS MOMENT to live throughout that eternity. We can’t afford to neglect the parts of our map that cover the ground we can look around and observe personally to argue about the parts that are out of our current vision. If we do, we lose it all, moment by moment, as the important stuff leaks away because we were focused on stuff that comes later.

So this is my last post in my promised little set of posts, that I have taken forever to post: speaking hard realities as I see them.

1. Each individual has the ability and responsibility to choose their map, adjust their map, and move or sit. We each have 1 life, moment by moment. Don’t discount your own ability and responsibility because you aren’t clergy or even because “others know more about that than me.” This is your life, and it will be over before you know it, and no one but God can give you time after it’s done and you’re buried – and as I said before, even that time will only be able to be experienced moment-by-moment!
2. I have had the privilege of hearing the Christian scriptures and studying the Christian scriptures since I was a tiny child, and still find them full of truth and a wonderful guide to reality itself. Through them I have fallen in love with the Triune God, and through them I have learned to hear God speak to me in each moment. I have encountered the living Jesus, and so my own map is drawn with His help as I walk the land we walk together . . . with the Bible as the map handed to me before I set out, and any drawing taking the form of filling in details that I couldn’t see before or of reconciling interpretations of the symbols on the page to what I see around me. I highly recommend this life!
3. The primary “reconciliation” I’ve had to do between the way the Bible was interpreted to me by others and my own walk and observation of reality has much more to do with restoring focus to the roads and to the spot on the road on which I find myself, and much less to do with trying to fill in details that pertain to someone else’s journey 5 miles away and their description to me of how the map they were handed doesn’t match what they see. I see no reason to disbelieve them and judge them. Rather, I see on my map the clear command to extend love to not only my close companions but also to the enemy and the stranger . . . and what is less loving than claiming they are blind when they are looking at something that is out of my range of sight?
4. Because not only of my last point, but even more so because of my love for scripture and my high regard for it, I believe that I cannot show more loyalty to an old map than to my Christian brothers and sisters who don’t fit the Evangelical culture I grew up in – whether because of their sexual orientation, or because of their theological and philosophical orientations. My Lord’s primary directive to me is to love . . . and although that can include confronting that which I know to be wrong, I find much more often it means admitting that I haven’t seen the part of reality that they are talking about, and that I’d be arrogant and deluded to pretend I knew what was right.

So here I stand, a member of a conservative pcusa church that I love, and heading off to meet in person on Monday many friends that I love but have never seen face to face. I’ve never written a post on this blog about Twitter, but I recommend the ones by Adam Walker Cleaveland over the past few years. The ability to give love and extend real presence to me is not based on whether someone is part of my face-to-face world or part of my electronic communication. My mother and my adult sons are central figures in my life, and most of my communication with all three of them has been electronic and not face to face for more than a decade. My entire work life has been based on electronic communication and on technology. Physical presence is a wonderful gift when it comes from one that gives me their real presence regularly, but I also have a lifetime of experience with those who never really show up with real attention and presence but who denigrate the value of electronic communication. They have done as much to shape my love for Twitter as have my dear friends on Twitter.

So much of our generation can be summed up by telling again the story of Peter as God was preparing him to go to Cornelius. We see the sheet come down with all kinds of unclean things on it, and we are hungry! But we are pure, we need to be pure, we cannot defile ourselves! It is part of our self-image and part of our map to NOT partake of those unclean things! But the Holy Spirit says that our loyalty must be to GOD and to God’s reality, and not to an old map . . . not to our own orthodoxy. And eventually the true church will wake up and greet the messengers from Cornelius and go to him, and receive the blessing of having our own eyes opened as the flames of fire are poured out on those who were so unclean that we were not even supposed to cross their threshold.

This is the story that has been repeated over and over in every generation, and we can see it as we look back on Christian theological history. The Holy Spirit has never stopped.

So remember that reality doesn’t care about your beliefs . . .

But remember that we have a God Who not only cares about your beliefs, but Who also cares about every moment of your life and the life of every other “believer” and “heretic” . . .

And don’t miss out on knowing all you can know of God and of the life God is giving, moment by moment! This is not about being safe or pure or right! This is about avoiding the things that rob me and others of JOY and LOVE, and embracing not just a set of beliefs, but embracing a real God, real people and real life!

Decently and in Order

My life is - as usual - crazy-busy; so my planned set of posts is taking a long time. This will be the 3rd of 4 planned posts, which I listed out 2 posts ago. The topic of this particular post is "speaking truth out of appropriate authority (and holding that truth unspoken when that is appropriate)".

First, though, on the "crazy-busy" thing: I spent a good 15 years of my adult life in salaried full-time positions working for someone else as I also raised kids. My life simply didn't allow enough time to even make sure I always had enough sleep, clean clothes for tomorrow, and all the bills paid even if there was money to pay them -- and I had no real choice in this. I did the best I could, and was always exhausted, and was never satisfied with the effort I could invest in any of the things I cared about, whether job, home, kids, or health. There simply wasn't even time to think of luxuries like reading or having real friends.

Now I have a situation where I can have a clean house, can NOT exist in a sleep-deprived state, can have real friends, can read books, and can write, work, and invest my time as my husband and I decide is best. My income is necessary for our current budget, but we have enough income to be able to make real choices as to the balance between smaller and bigger budgets and smaller and bigger amounts of my time being used for work. So my "crazy-busy" life is really very leisurely compared to what I experienced in my 20s and 30s, and it is VERY discretionary. I get to choose what I put in, what I take out, and the pace at which I juggle. And I love it, and am very grateful for the luxury. I know full-well how many other people in our economy have very limited choices in the life they feel forced into by work just to have a fairly minimum standard of living. This is not the world my mom and dad knew.

Okay . . . so WHAT did that have to do with the topic of this post? The topic of this post is modern Presbyterianism in the PCUSA, and the positions we all play if we choose to play in that ballpark. And my previous 2 paragraphs set the context in which my generation lives, which makes a big difference in Presbyterianism 30 years ago and Presbyterianism today. You can't understand what follows if you don't understand what I just said.

Each denomination has its own personality, and attracts people with certain characteristics. I won't presume to know what other denominations feel like from the inside, but I do have my own perceptions of them all, and some experience participating from the inside in many different places. The PCUSA is best known by the "decently and in order" quote, and by our commitment to an educated clergy. We are also known for our polity, which is not congregational but rather representative. We are also "reformed and always reforming", which means that we strive to understand God's word and keep applying it consistently as times change and our understandings change. In theory, this keeps us from becoming stagnant and Pharisaical. In practice it keeps us bound up in the politics of whatever the current tension is between the understanding of our grandparent's generation and the understanding of our children's generation.

I love the PCUSA enough that I keep choosing it even though it is not really very welcoming to my generation of women. We are the "missing generation", and that is largely because our parents and grandparents couldn't understand the life we have led and the values we have embraced. While the PCA simply maintained the rhetoric that kept women in their "scriptural" place, the PCUSA opened the door for women to climb to positions of power and authority equal to those of men -- whether as lay leaders in governance or as clergy in pastoral roles. What they couldn't understand was the response of my generation to that permission: we wanted a turning away from the old hierarchical structure rather than to assume the roles of leader over and against others who remained in subservient roles.

So if the PCUSA is representative and structured in polity, and if the women of my generation tended to reject authoritarian structures rather than become insiders to them, why would I embrace the PCUSA? Am I different, and I like hierarchy? No, as much as I love the women who have taken the challenge to climb and serve from positions of structural authority, that's not me. I love order that is deliberate and thoughtful, and I find that in the Book of Order, and I find that in our history, and I find that in our values. I also love education, and without an educated clergy an educated laity is an impossibility -- although I would very much like to see new initiatives toward an educated laity.

Our tradition allows for everyone to have a voice. Elders rule. Deacons serve. Ministers of the Word and Sacrament lead us and teach us and care for us. And everyone else can be a voting member who elects the nominating committee from which elders, deacons, and pastors are launched, and who can participate in the other ways provided for in the Book of Order. We all have a time and place where we can speak our perspective, if the intent of the Book of Order is followed by a given congregation or presbytery. None of this clashes with the values of my generation for teams rather than for hierarchy.

In practice, of course, most congregations have a preponderance of certain opinions and a culture that moves into squashing voices that don't match the majority. The values of the older generations support this with a very authoritarian view, that uses scripture and the Book of Order to justify an interpretation of "respect your elders" and "respect those in authority" that would see voicing a dissonant opinion as disrespectful. Those who don't fit are urged to find a different congregation or different denomination where they do fit. And so my whole "missing generation" has done just that, or has dropped out of church entirely.

The remedy, from my perspective, is to encourage a place for the voice of each person, and to discourage a culture that squashes different perspectives. I see many in the PCUSA and many in my own congregation who are doing just that, and building bridges for the survival of the best part of our polity and tradition even into the new century. I want to be part of that, and so I have acted deliberately to do just that. "Majority rules" can be good and godly only if the majority is committed to hearing -- authentically hearing and understanding and loving -- the voices of the minorities among us, and never trying to disengage from conflict until the conflict of the current generation gives way to consensus on those issue and moves on to the conflict of the next generation.

So I said this post was on "speaking truth out of appropriate authority (and holding that truth unspoken when that is appropriate)", and what that needs to mean to the PCUSA now is that each congregation and each presbytery and synod and general assembly takes care to encourage each member to voice their own perspectives on our life together, and to share their own stories of their own individual experiences of life. That won't make us congregational. Our polity is sound, and works well even if we hold authority in the tension in which is was designed to be held. It will make us authentically Presbyterian in every sense of the word.

And beyond what that means to the PCUSA . . . what that means to you and me and to every other individual is that we will practice Jesus' teaching about exercising lovingkindness toward each other and the stranger and the enemy. We will each speak our own truth even when that robs us of political clout because we don't mesh well with the powers that be. Even more, we will each champion the right to be heard of others, and actually LISTEN to them until we can imagine ourselves in their shoes, feeling as they do, living as they do, and championing positions that clash with our own.

This will take us beyond "authentically Presbyterian", and will lead us into a place where we are actually following the words of Jesus. That is my goal, and I am a Presbyterian (PCUSA) because I believe actually following the words of Jesus is best accomplished for me here, from the pew and from my home and from where I now click "publish post", at my desk at work.

(If you read this far, thanks! You have showed the kind of love I was talking about. Now share your voice somewhere so I can give you my time and attention in hearing you, because THAT is where it is appropriate to "hold the truth unspoken": when speaking my truth gets in the way of listening to yours!)

Authority (or "who do I submit to, anyway -- and in what ways?")

I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. thinking about the apostle Paul, authority, reality, and how much the way I believe he saw life colors the way I do. See the following passage from Colossians 3 -- translated by Eugene Peterson -- as an example of this in my life.

Colossians 3 (The Message): He Is Your Life

"1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

18Wives, understand and support your husbands by submitting to them in ways that honor the Master.

19Husbands, go all out in love for your wives. Don't take advantage of them.

20Children, do what your parents tell you. This delights the Master to no end.

21Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits.

22-25Servants, do what you're told by your earthly masters. And don't just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you're serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn't cover up bad work."

The other key "passages" to me are each of Paul's letters, but especially his letter to the Galatians and his letter to the Romans and his letters to the Corinthians. In these he gives a view of life, a view of reality, and a view of authority that I have internalized. I'd sum it up like this:

God created us to have fellowship with us, both individually and in community. We were created with a hunger for creativity of our own, a hunger for intimacy, a hunger for discovery, and a hunger to sort and name . . . among many other hungers! And we were created with a huge hunger for exactly what we were created for: a hunger for fellowship (friendship and communion and intimacy and synergy and life) with God and with others. All of those hungers drive us.

God created us within a fixed universe with fixed TRUTH. We can argue with TRUTH or rebel against it or be ignorant of it, but it is there and unmovable. Our understanding of TRUTH and our articulation of TRUTH are only representations of it. They are not TRUTH. TRUTH does not change, but our cultural, linguistic, emotional, mental, scientific, and spiritual abilities to see it cause many different representations of TRUTH to be articulated and experienced and embraced. Good "religion" opens us to look past any representations toward the reality that is behind it. This is humility. We look with faulty eyes and speak from within a very limited view.

As much as we would like to list out the rules of the universe and keep ourselves safe by staying within those rules and teaching them, the historic teaching of TRUTH does not keep us safe or give us a full understanding of reality. What it can do is point us toward the source of TRUTH, the creator of TRUTH, and the ONE Who can guide us through reality toward meeting our own deep hungers and helping create a world in which others can also have their own deep hungers met. The Law (rules, philosophy, religion, science, etc) is a tutor to point us toward this Source and to give us a social framework to allow others to be pointed toward this Source.

I submit to the authorities around me (legal, political, educational, social, religious, cultural) when it is the right thing to do in my current culture and situation if I am truly walking in the best understanding of TRUTH I can muster. Most of the time rebellion against those who possess power over me just gets in the way of fully enjoying the things that I was created with a hunger to pursue -- meaning GOD and the image of God within me and others. I am called to show authentic love (agape/hesed/self-giving love) to others as evidence that I am in right relationship to this ONE Who Satisfies So Deeply and as the fruit of that right relationship. I don't always do that well, but God is committed to teaching me and shaping me if I am committed to telling the truth about my motivations and actions as best as I am able.

Sometimes I am called to rebellion, but it is -- in our context -- rarely rebellion in ways that end relationships deliberately or call down violent consequences. The rebellion I am most often called to practice is the rebellion of refusing to disbelieve my own eyes and ears and heart when those in power tell me I am deluded or lying. The rebellion I am most often called to is this hidden rebellion: to speak first to myself and to God the truths that I see (even when others say they are lies) and then to speak them to others when my conversation with God has shown that there is any profit in that kind of open rebellion.

Sometimes I must leave the fellowship of those who are united in proclaiming as truth some things that I believe are lies or distortions of the truth. I do not need to do this in order to correct them or change them, but rather to push on in my pursuit of the One Who is Changing Me.

My primary authority is Jesus Christ Himself, and the Creator God Whom He called Father, and the Spirit indwelling all His disciples because He promised He would not leave us as orphans. This is TRUTH unchanging, and forms the boundaries of all other authorities and of all my experience of what reality itself is.

My secondary authority is all the ways I can hear and experience and obey this Triune God Who is REALITY itself. I am being taught and shaped by you and by every other person God brings into my life. I am being taught and shaped by the written Word of God that is our codified scriptures. I am being taught and shaped by the shared spiritual practices of my faith tradition and those of others. I am being taught and shaped by the events of life.

My authority is NOT any of the religious or cultural or political structures that are so anxious to create order that they ignore the very real created order in all I have listed above.

Nevertheless, it is not usually in line with a real pursuit of the things that satisfy deeply to rebel against any of those who have power over me in these areas.

Unless it is.

Selah.

From the Pew

In my last post, I promised to post "tomorrow" on the way churches tend to discourage volunteer efforts within the community, while encouraging overwork by paid staff. I have delayed posting on this as I have separated my thoughts out into several different threads. The first thread is looking again at what "church" IS, in terms of all our roles -- including paid and volunteer and "consumer". The second thread on this is on authority in the life of the non-paid non-vocational Christian. And then two related-but-separate threads are on speaking truth out of appropriate authority (and holding that truth unspoken when that is appropriate) and a thread that that leads to for me, in speaking boldly some of my insights from my own life that are not necessarily peaceable.

So this will be the first of 4 posts: for each of us, what role does the church play in our lives? What is the church, anyway? And what role should each one of us play in that church? (Yes, that's all one topic, and I plan to cover it in just several paragraphs. This is a blog, not a class; and these posts are meant to reveal one voice and one set of perceptions, not all that could be gleaned from a comprehensive study of the subject.)

The Bible is the story of a God who put us in community, from Creation to Noah to Abraham to the church in Acts. It is also the story of a God Who is innately in community within God, as seen in all the parts of scripture that reveal God the Creator, God the Incarnate One, and God the Holy Spirit. The purpose of the church, according to the whole of scripture and seen clearly in many passages precisely on this topic, is to be a loving community in which each person has a role and in which each role is honored -- to be a loving community that is in appropriate relationship with the Triune God.

The role the church should play in each one of our lives is a central one! It should be more central for you and for me than our family or than our workplace. The only more central relationship should be the relationship of each individual with the Triune God, but that relationship itself will lead directly to this community, and vice versa.

This is not to say that the local church is that central community in our lives . . . it is to say that the CHURCH -- world-wide and over time -- is that central community in our lives; but it is the real people in our lives day-in-and-day-out, at this place and time, who are the focus of that community for each of us. We do get to choose who those particular people are, to some extent (hence my December posts!) but we do not get to be lone-ranger Christians. A basic part of the definition of "Christian" as it shows up throughout two thousand years is that one is joined to the CHURCH in many practical ways on a daily basis. We are joined in ethics/values, creed, praxis, sacrament, membership, scholarship, relationships, caregiving . . . and in many other practical ways.

Paul says the CHURCH is to function as the parts of a body function to provide all the elements of life for an individual body. We individuals are to be working together in harmony and respect toward the end goal of "life as God means it to be for us, here and now". That includes much, of course -- but I don't have to get into that to make my point as to roles and added value.

The rest of our world is a marketplace. I train for my vocation, and you train for yours, and we in the world form an economy that ideally would also function something like the CHURCH. But the difference is that all humans -- no matter what their values and goals -- function as an addition or drain on the global economy. The CHURCH is made up of those who are attempting to fulfill the Great Commission, and both BE people who live the way Jesus taught his disciples to live and TEACH others to become His disciples.

To be part of the CHURCH does not require vocational training. To be part of the CHURCH requires that I center my life around the values that Jesus taught and that I both model and teach those values to others. (This does not take away from the value of training for credentials for formal vocational ministry, or the need for formal vocational ministry of many types. I'll talk more about that in future posts.)

The way we do CHURCH now tends to make it look much more like a marketplace activity than it should. We have a service or services we're offering to consumers or members; those offering the service or services are credentialed vocational Christians; and those who are consumers or members are good consumers or members if they consume the services and pay for them appropriately without becoming competition to those who make their living that way.

Many of my friends can give you a beautiful analysis of this from the ordained/vocational-Christian side, and they know they have my respect for all they have done to prepare themselves to lead us in lives of authentic discipleship and for all they do to manage their own lives in a way that both models following Jesus to us and encourages us to do the same. They do a nice job of personally attempting a faithful rendering of CHURCH; but we have so many cultural components that work against them!

My solutions "from the pew" would work over years to change our culture to one that encourages training in scripture and ministry for all able-bodied members and also encourages participation in the economy outside our churches for almost all staff. We should use the PCUSA-Book-of-Order type of credentialing for volunteer involvements, encourage vocational experience and training outside of ministry training for all potential Ministers of the Word and Sacrament, and move the Church away from being one more industry and back toward the call it should be for each and every Christian.

If we are going to live the way Jesus taught us to live and teach others to do the same, we need to reclaim the reformed and presbyterian vision of that kind of Church. We need to interpret it anew in the culture of a world economy in the 21st century where education is widely accessible and every one of my readers has access to a computer on the internet that joins us all to more information than any one of us could read in a lifetime, let alone learn. A high regard for education and high requirements for our vocational Christian leaders needs to take whole new forms at this point, because we are in a completely different world in terms of education and knowledge than in the early days of our tradition.

I'll end all this by apologizing for not being able to list the books and persons who walked me through to my views here. My ideas are not my own, of course. Like you, I live in a soup of information and analysis and story.

My story is mine though. As is yours.

And we are writing ours, together with God!

Value Added in Community

I love the feeling of having been productive, and of having contributed something real to the efforts of a group. This is one of the greatest joys of life, in my opinion -- and I have wonderful memories of my years at Fremont Investment and Loan and of my years at Elmhurst Memorial Home Health Care/Services because I experienced in both places long stretches of being a part of productive teams of coworkers and managers.

This blog is mostly about faith and faith communities . . . but recently (partly because of Brian Borcher's interaction with me about my last two posts) I have been thinking about the kinds of communities I've been a part of, and cannot think of any faith community in my past or present that rivals the experience of being a part of the two workplaces I listed above. They model something that is missing in too many people in the faith communities I've been in: value added by each individual. There was a culture of creative responsibility and mutual respect that my faith communities have yet to emulate.

Now . . . faith communities are not work places for most of us. They are designed to care for those who cannot contribute added value, and that is as it should be. But those who can add value need to, and too often they do not. And even for those who are employed as ministerial or support staff, there are distortions in an understanding of the personal responsibility of each member of the community. The "paid staff" not only over-work, but they often discourage the contributions of work by volunteers -- for many reasons. (I will post next on some of my analysis of this "from the pew".) This is systemic sickness that is the fault of the laity as well as the paid staff, and creates sick churches with sick members.

None of this is new stuff to any of you, of course! It is as old as the Old Testament, and has been rehashed regularly throughout JudeoChristian history. The Protestant Work Ethic, the Priesthood of All Believers, the Body . . .

But my point is just this: I've posted years of posts on Christian Community and on Agape/Hesed and seemingly ignored WORK and PRODUCTIVITY. That was a huge distortion in everything I was trying to say! My ability to show any kind of godly lovingkindness or to participate in healthy community depends upon my ability to add value when THAT is my call. Economics and faith are much more directly tied in scripture than are sexuality and faith.

So I am going back to work on my IT stuff . . .

Where do you add value?

My Post on the Ignatian Disciplines/Discernment

Here is a link to a post I wrote that's on the Emergent Outlier site: Living as an Ignatian Christian

Let me know if you happen upon this a few months from now and the link doesn't work, and I'll republish the article in full on this blog.

Socially Determined: A Follow-Up to My Last Post on "Who Will I Be"

My friend Brian Borcher's disagreement with my last post (that the primary question is not "Who will I be?" but rather "What will I do today?") has been carrying my thoughts since yesterday, and I wanted to respond again to it and to clarify something else from that last post.

First, the clarification: I was "waxing poetic" on Gideon's place in my life, and although he was in the center group of friends over the last year on-line (and I believe I was one of those in his center group of friends on-line) there were many other people for both of us that we interacted with just as frequently as each other in all our on-line channels. In saying that he was at the center of who I was and who I had become, I was referring to the power of each of those chosen central friendships, and not elevating my place with him or his place with me above those other friendships that we each had that was similarly focused and that had similar time spent. In addition, I was specifically talking about the social dimension of life that I will address next here, and not about my primary faith commitment or about my primary family commitments and their centrality. The place of the Triune God at the center of each believer's life is unquestioned, or they are not truly believers; and the centrality of our spouse and children to each of us is just as unquestionable socially.

Second, my musing on Brian's problem with my question and his correction of it: As I see it, this is one of my primary paradigm shifts in the last 5 years. I would have been in agreement with Brian before that shift, but now really don't believe any of us CAN align ourselves with the purposes of the universe and choose to act in ways that fit without also choosing our friends and communities . . . and choosing our friends and communities ALWAYS includes choosing the roles we will play there. As I taught Bethel for these past 4 years, it was clear that the Bible teaches a communal faith, not an individual one; and as I have read and observed life over the same period, it has been clear that sociological forces are the most powerful forces on every element of our identity and experience, and that that is as God intended and intends.

So the illusion that I can detach from all others and attach to God directly is just that: an illusion. Even if I become a hermit like the early desert fathers or like other examples since then, I am attaching to my memories of others and their views of life. Detaching from others to solitude is necessary for spiritual growth and for learning to hear and feel the Triune God apart from others; but even in that exercise I am simply detaching from those who fill my little world of busy-ness to attach to the great cloud of witnesses that is the CHURCH from beginning to end and from East to West. I am never truly alone with God, for I was created a social creature.

We are born into a social world where our roles are imposed by others, as are our beliefs and values. To choose my roles, beliefs, and values, I must also change my community. This is born out in many spheres of human experience and study.

So when I got up this morning to print and use today's lectionary from the PCUSA, I joined myself with a multitude also practicing that discipline of reading for today. And when I engaged in my Ignatian meditations upon "seeking the grace", I joined myself not only to the women in my own Christian Life Community, but to a whole community over years and miles that have gone through the same exercises. And when I engaged in my other forms of prayer - old and "new" - I joined myself in community with all those others who are and have practiced the same forms and thoughts.

And then when I turn around and interact with my family and those at work and those I call friends -- both face-to-face friends and on-line friends -- I make choices about who and what is indoctrinating me into their values and view of life. I need to be deliberate about my choices, both in who I engage and in who I neglect, because they will be the ones -- both today and over time -- who choose the answer to my question "What will I do today?"

We are primarily social creatures, and all religions acknowledge this. It is a distortion to believe otherwise.

Both Jewish and Christian faiths of every flavor over every century have been faiths of communities and families, not faiths that could be practiced in isolation. There is no greater choice we make each day than our choices about whom we will engage and whom we will avoid. The social choices are our greatest moral choices, from which all matters of identity, cognitive belief, and action will flow.

If you are "stuck", consider changing your communities and friends.

If you are depressed or angry, find friends who will mediate those emotions for you and help you feel life in a positive way.

If you are joyful and productive, give thanks to God for the people in your life, and give thanks to them for the way they have enabled you to experience life.

My question "Who will I be today?" should be expanded to "What social environment and what roles in that environment do I choose today, and out of that, what will my actions be?" We do not get to choose our own identities, but our identities are a function of our social choices. I am not me. I am who I have been made to be by the interplay of the actions of the Triune God through community and my responses to that world. (And even Jesus' primary definition of "obedience" and "disciple" was a social definition, as He exorted us to love each other.)

Who will you be today?

Choosing Our Communities & Friends (in memorium of Gideon Addington)

There have been many great blog posts written in the past 9 days, since the social media and blogging worlds realized that our friend Gideon Addington (@gideony) had passed away as a result of his own deliberate action to make it so. I don't need to rehash any of it. I will only reference one post here, but if you google you will find a plethora of posts and articles.

I considered blogging on my memories of Gideon and on the impact he made on me: how he changed me permanently before his untimely death, and how he is at the core of who I have become. I decided that I will instead return to blogging-as-a-spiritual-discipline to express more of what I am now, but that I don't choose to share publicly things that were shared by a friend privately with the expectation of confidentiality. Friends don't do that to friends, even after death - or perhaps ESPECIALLY after death.

But the key topic that has been swirling in my mind since last Wednesday is this: I AM my choices about my friends and my communities. I choose who I am as I choose my friends, and as I choose my friends, I choose who I will become.

We all have many circles that we only partially choose: the people with whom we work, the people with whom we are in family, the people with whom we attend school, etc. Of course we choose some of this -- our spouse, our college, where we send our resumes -- but a lot of it is just "luck of the draw". Those people often form our primary communities, and work unconsciously and consciously to indoctrinate us into their beliefs and values. When those beliefs and values settle easily into our consciousnesses, we are blessed . . . but often something inside us rebels!

And this is where our truly CHOSEN friendships come in! We can seek out those who enjoy what we enjoy, who are passionate about the things that compel our passion, and who think and feel in ways that we intuitively "get". Here, we choose our own selves!

C.S. Lewis spoke about "The Four Loves" on the BBC back in the mid-20th Century, and those talks are still available on iTunes and from other sources. The material is similar but not identical to what he later published in his book by the same title. He spoke of the 4 Greek words for love, and of how they play out in our lives. Storge is comfortable, familial love -- where those we don't particularly even like become so familiar that we call it love. Eros is the passion which is romantic love --- not just lust, but that yearning that can even seem detached from the physical. Agape is the love that our faith exhorts us to show toward all others -- to seek to be the tool of God in their lives for God's best purposes for them and for us. And Phileo is the love of which I write here -- a friendship-love that is joined by mutual interest and that welcomes into it many others who share the same interest.

I was friends with Gideon Addington in a way that was very special. We chose each other as friends because we had mutual interests and loved to discuss them. This love did not revolve around the life of either of us, but rather around theology and the church and books and music and culture. There is much that I did not know about him, and that he did not know about me . . . not because we chose actively not to discuss it, but because there were so many other things we DID choose to discuss. It didn't matter that he was a young man of 30 while I was a middle-aged lady of 45. The stuff that people discuss if they're infatuated with each other (Eros) didn't matter and never came up. Nor did we have to be "kindred spirits" in being in agreement on everything or with a strong intuitive connection. We were just chosen friends. By choosing him I chose toward who I would become, and by choosing me he did the same.

I have many others that I know through Second Life, Twitter and their blogs that are also in that same sphere for me: friends I choose, and by choosing them, I am choosing myself. That doesn't take away from what I reveal about myself (and choose to be) in my relationships with my husband and boys, or at work, or in academic or church pursuits. It doesn't take away from what I reveal about myself and choose to be in my relationships with my very dear sisters-in-friendship that are face-to-face or shoulder-to-shoulder friends in my chosen recreational and discipleship activities. But it does shape me in a way that those relationships cannot shape me, just as they shape me in ways that my virtual relationships cannot shape me. We push to our limits in each sphere of relationship, and then can escape into another sphere -- and the picture of those interlocking spheres and the way they reflect our time, attention, and love becomes the picture of ME, the picture of identity that is imposed and identity that is chosen.

One of the key identity issues for me has always been an issue of gender. I remember being 5 and seeing my dad take my just-turned-4-year-old brother out to hunt ducks, and being hit for the first time with the fact that I was supposed to fit a certain mold as a girl, and that I might not find that easy or nice. I won't bore you all with my musings and events through 45 years that lead me to today . . . but today I am comfortable in my own skin, and I know myself to be a woman that loves to have sex with men but that hates to fill the old cultural norms for women other than that. I love my butch lesbian sisters because I identify so much with parts of their identities, although I love to look "fem" and love to feel sexual tension with men who are attracted to women who like to share power and like to fill male cultural roles, even as they do the same.

Another key identity issue for me is FAITH. I love God, even though God cannot be defined. I do love the Jewish and Christian Scriptures and traditions . . . but I love God and the people of God even more, and one of my "callings" (defined here as a key part of my innate identity in my own experience) is to pursue an integrated knowledge of "revelation" and personal experience, as well as an integrated praxis of communion and service. I started out in a family that gave me the gift of deep faith and lots of knowledge of faith as a foundation for that deep faith . . . and I have been going on to build a network of chosen friends who ARE in their faith (creed and praxis) what I choose to be. I am so blessed by them, and these days every single one of them is pushing past their old limits toward something unknown, and they have the courage to do that. I love them.

I do not know what happened with Gideon. Those who were in his other circles of friendship and community are much better positioned to explain that than any of us, and it would be an affront to them for me to engage in my own speculation. I do know this, though: Gideon loved all his circles of community, as I do mine. He told me so and I still believe him. I also know this: Gideon allowed himself to be changed by his communities, and was fearless in pressing on toward truth. As much as I know the dynamics of depression and suicide, I also know the dynamics of hope . . . and I feel certain that Gideon hoped in the spiritual realities that we spent so many hours discussing in so many ways, and that that hope brightened even the darkness.

Each of you who are attached enough to me to have read this far in this post are people who are shaping my life and identity and experience of living. We are real people in all our communities -- chosen and not-so-much -- and truly are NOT alone. We form a great web of life -- the web for this generation. I am grateful to Gideon for his impact on me and on you, and I am grateful to each of you for your impact on me and on each other. I considered lacing this post with hyperlinks to the many excellent posts on virtual space and real community and faith and gender and sexuality . . . but each of you either already gets all that or wouldn't get it just by virtue of my hyperlinks, and it's not the point, anyway. My point is just this: we make choices in life, and there is no choice more important than "who will I be today" -- and that choice is made in not only my declared faith and my vocation and in all my public-identity choices, but even more in my daily choices about who I love and befriend.

I chose to love and befriend Gideon, and I choose to love and befriend you.

Who are your friends, and what are your communities?

My Conversion

I am being converted -- day by day -- into someone who has more and more of an experience TODAY of all that our salvation is supposed to bring to us in our Eternity.

Last night I had a conversation with my second-born son Josh (an adult, a degreed and employed design engineer, and a Calvary-Chapel-style very-conservative-Christian) that revealed once again what sharp world-view differences there are between us at this point. I go to a church where I am being confronted often by the same reality of different views between me and many of the members – although perhaps the differences are not as profound between my worldview and that of the ordained staff. And on the other side of that, I am married to a man who has a very different sense of spirituality and faith than do most of the different classifications of Christians I could list off here (fundy, moderate Evangelical, reformed, Anabaptist, Liberal, Progressive, Emergent, Orthodox, even “seeker”.) On every side I find many more people with very different views of reality than mine than I find people who see it like I do.

In every case, conversation can be almost instantly shut down as we run into one of our surface differences – and to get past that would require layers of conversation about our views of so many other things. How can I talk to Josh about why I think it is a loving thing to spend my time building an IT business (his question to me) without addressing his assumptions about why women with children belong at home keeping the house clean and making a pleasant life for their family? This gets into his view of scriptural interpretation, his view of appropriate gender roles, and even his view of what a pleasant life for my family is and will be as they grow. It also gets into many deeper issues psychologically in his own story and his own conditioning – the very issues that lead me to such very different conclusions at 45 about how I can be most loving as a mother to my sons than the conclusions I operated under in his formative years!

The woman-I-was-in-earlier-decades would have sought to engage the people in my life in dialogue designed to convert them to my current point of view, or at least to defend my point of view and attempt to win their respect or understanding on some level, if not agreement. But the woman I am today understands that I have the task of sorting it out and LIVING IT OUT, and that THAT task is often at odds with actively trying to “convert” anyone else.

The fundamental call of the Triune God to me is to live in Truth and in Love, and the only way I can do that is by concentrating on my own “conversion” from ignorance to insight and from alienation to reconciliation. As I walk with the aid of the Father God, the Living Man Jesus Who Is Also God Incarnate, and the Holy Spirit Who Is Poured Out On God’s People . . . I take my own view of reality each day and allow it to be transformed to a different world-view today than I had yesterday, and I forgive myself for yesterday’s actions based on that old view of reality as I accept God’s forgiveness and as I forgive everyone else, and I walk forward changed and empowered with new motivation and hope. I become capable of offering love-in-action and respect to those around me who see things very differently than I now see them, and I become capable of making different choices than I could have made yesterday. I am being converted to a new faith daily, and I am being transformed.

What we believe matters. Our view of religion, philosophy, economics, appropriate social roles and actions for ourselves and others, and all the other disciplines of thought and vocation . . . they form the basis for our own choices daily, and for our expectation of the choices of others. But when we settle in on the ways we are separated from others in our beliefs and actions, we remove not only the bridge to reconciliation and relationship, but also to our own growth from yesterday to today to tomorrow.

Jesus’ call to love-in-action as the center to a life of obedience to Him was not just for the benefit of the people I impact each day, or for the benefit of all the people you impact. Jesus call to love-in-action is a center-point in a call to daily conversion to a deeper understanding of reality and to daily conversion to hope and peace and joy. In serving and respecting even those whom I believe to be deeply mistaken in the way they view the building blocks of life, I offer myself a practical daily way to experience real connection and real respect and real kindness – and in this reinforce the parts of my own world-view that hold up to the test of daily reality, and break down and replace the parts that just DON’T.

We cannot separate theology and praxis by allowing ourselves to be filled with pain and bewilderment at those who still “don’t get it”. We must forgive them daily in the honest place of solitude that we seek out deliberately, and we must then re-engage them in respect and love-in-action. Often that re-engagement cannot be in any attempt to reason with them, because the differences are just too huge to leap over with words. The re-engagement of an intuitive reality that is free from contempt, pain, anger, defensiveness, or pity will show itself in responses and actions that are truly kind and loving, and that kindness and respect may open the door to changes in the way they view things, bit by bit. Or it may not.

What daily lives that are marked by today’s best effort to live out this kind of kindness and respect and love-in-action WILL most definitely do is this: We can walk forward in our own daily conversion to a deeper walk with the Triune God and a deeper walk with others clearly on the same path and close enough to where we are to offer us “God’s love with skin on.” This daily conversion is the “from glory to glory” that Paul promised, and is the fruit that Jesus promised as we abide in Him and as His words abide in us.

May it be so in my life today.

St. Andrew's Pastor Nominating process, from my perspective

Most of my blog has not only been a story of my personal spiritual walk, but has also been a story of my walk in a specific place: St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church (PCUSA) in Newport Beach, California. I haven’t been posting with any frequency for half a year or more for many reasons, but the primary one is that the cognitive processing of my journey has been in a “listening” stage more than in a stage of outpouring of new conclusions. I recently went back and re-read my own posts here, and still find them to be a good reflection not only of my journey these few years but also of the trajectory I am on, both spiritually and intellectually, both theologically and in praxis.

St. Andrew’s is an interesting place. It is a very Evangelical, very mainline congregation – a combination that is unique and that was a good part of the reason it became home to me when I moved to California in 1996 – leaving First Presbyterian in Glen Ellyn, IL, which is equally Evangelical and mainline. We are full of people who are committed to a conservative faith, a conservative view of the family and of human sexuality, and also committed to living in loving relationship with each other and with God, according to the written rules of polity and the unwritten rules that have developed among us.

The thing I love most about the reality of the people around me at St. Andrew’s is their sincere commitment to do the right thing even if it costs them. The thing I find most uncomfortable about the reality of St. Andrew’s as I have experienced it personally is the exclusivity that comes from that same commitment to living in obedience as they have understood obedience. At times I feel very connected and nurtured and respected, and at other times I feel that if I were to reveal too clearly the places that I actually still need a Savior or the places that I don’t quite see things as they are taught from the front . . . well, that I would remain as I so often have felt over these years: like a little girl with her face against the glass watching a loving family from outside, but never invited in. (Of course, this sense of not actually being fully accepted socially and relationally is a common theme in most circles of membership, especially in large ones - whether conservative or liberal! It is not at all unique to me at St. Andrew's, and is not unique at all among churches!)

So now I will tell my personal story of the pastoral nominating process these few years – told as a church member who was never part of the inner circles of power, which are the (regular, not pastoral) nominating committee and the ministry committee at the center, and the session peripherally beyond that. I think one of the features of a larger congregation where there has been the same senior pastor for 3 decades is necessarily a political environment that holds dissenting viewpoints at arms length, and preserves a culture and theology that reflects those who are in accord with the status quo. I think there are themes that flow from this situation into what has transpired in our pastor search process these last few years, but they are not at all clear to me as one outside of that inner circle, and I suspect that if I were inside that circle I would be incapable of seeing anything outside the views that bound me to the others within it. In any case, this is just my understanding and reflection, and I may well have some details recorded here that are different from the official record or from any other person's account -- but I have done my best to be accurate and thorough without being overly tedious in details.

About 5 years ago the church became aware of the pending transition it would face as John Huffman Jr, the Senior Pastor of decades, moved to a normal retirement age and then past it. One of the Associate Pastors, Jim Birchfield, was a Bible teacher who drew crowds and fans even from other churches, and certainly from within St. Andrew’s. Like many associate pastors in other churches, he had his own circle of influence within the church and was at a stage where he was also being sought as a senior pastor in other churches. He also fit well into the inner circle of power at St. Andrew’s. So the conversations began about how sad it was that he couldn’t be considered for Senior Pastor when John retired.

(There are many reasons why associate pastors are excluded from consideration normally, including the one that is most mentioned, which is to prevent multiple internal associate pastors from competing for the spot. There is also a concern to avoid perpetuating an inner circle of power left by a long-time senior pastor, and additional reasons, including the ones which become clear with the rest of my story. But the starting point is simply that Jim normally would not be able to even be considered, and we wanted to change that.)

I was one of those who loved John Huffman’s preaching and also loved Jim Birchfield’s teaching, and actively prayed for a solution that would let us consider him in our coming search process, as well as one of those who talked about it with others active at St. Andrew’s. I was overjoyed to learn that our presbytery – Los Ranchos – had helped St. Andrew’s figure out a way that they could make that happen. The way was this: A co-senior pastor situation would be created, the second co-senior would be designated until a pnc had selected a new co-senior to call, the called pastor would replace the designated co-senior, then John would retire as the other co-senior pastor, and the called pastor would have his position amended to sole single pastor.

Our congregation agreed to this plan. Dr. Dennis Okholm, ordained and a parish associate, but with a career in theological academia, agreed to assume the designated co-senior pastor role and was so called and installed, and Dr John Huffman Jr had his position modified to co-senior pastor / head of staff. At the same time, Jim Birchfield was given the role of Executive Pastor and assumed not only the responsibility for almost all of the staff (Dr Huffman only kept a few reports out of the very large staff) and for the vision process that would take St. Andrew’s into the pastoral call process, but also continued many of his previous roles and pastoral relationships. He retained responsibility for the areas vacated by several program staff members in the previous decade and also took on these two major jobs of daily operations and planning for the future, and invested himself in it with apparent joy and drive.

Over several years, Jim led teams that researched our demographic and our perspectives as individual members of the congregation, wrote a comprehensive report, developed a comprehensive vision statement, created implementation teams for each element of the vision statement, and created a plan to actually execute and measure each element of the vision statement. He also hired staff to replace key ministry positions that were not called positions and participated in the redesignation of some called positions to new areas of responsibility. He managed the complete reorganization of the church, with its old entrenched “silos”. He had significant interaction with all of those in the inner circle of power, and so they – like all of us – had opportunity to not only see the ways Jim excelled but also the ways he was human.

A year ago a CPNC (Co-Pastor Nominating Committee) was recommended to and approved by the congregation. Every member of the CPNC was chosen as one who would have no associated controversy or disrespect by any of the various groups in the church community, and all were people who had great respect from all who knew them. They were people who would not only do their job well but would truly do it according to the values and interest of St. Andrew’s as a whole – and not only the inner circle of power.

The CPNC did its normal work – writing our cif, reading pifs, praying, talking, sorting –and ultimately chose a candidate other than Jim Birchfield. They made their final vote on June 29 – a Monday. They shared with Jim Birchfield that he was not their choice (and also who it was that was their choice) on July 3, as a courtesy before informing others. The following week, on July 9 and 10, Jim was given permission to inform the program staff, and on Saturday, July 11 at a Relational Discipleship team meeting informed the 12 people who were there (which included me.) That evening and the next morning, the congregation was informed by John Huffman that Jim had not been chosen, and that we would learn the name of the candidate who had been chosen the following weekend, after he had been able to inform his church. That Monday and Tuesday the cpnc and the presbytery and the program staff and the session all had meetings to understand what was happening and to try to manage some of the chaos that had ensued among the congregation with the announcement the previous weekend.

On Sunday, July 19 there was a 3.5 hour congregational forum in which some people expressed anger and grief, some expressed bewilderment and confusion, some took a clear position in unity with the cpnc and the process that had been followed, and some (like me) just listened, watched, and prayed. The following Wednesday evening, July 22, there was a second congregational forum in which some of the same venting went on, but which was focused more heavily on matters of order and on the financial arrangements that were part of the call. This meeting lasted 3 hours, and had more of a tone of peace and love to it, with some of the speakers specifically calling for mutual respect and love in convincing ways.

One of the significant points of order that was discussed in this Wednesday night congregational forum was that the normal use of a “substantial minority” in opposition to the candidate selected would not apply in this case because of the unusual circumstance of an internal candidate who had not been selected, and the expectation of a huge minority because of the anger and disappointment that the candidate was someone else. The Book of Order called for a simple majority, and the concept of a "substantial minority" to be considered was derived from the handbooks in use for the pastoral call process, not from the Book of Order. The concept of a substantial minority is normally used to counsel the candidate about how advisable it is to accept a call into a split church, or even to allow the church or the presbytery to reconsider the call. It was determined that in our situation the candidate fully understood what he was facing and that we as a congregation also understood that as we voted, and that the presbytery understood it as well.

On Friday, July 24, Rich Kannwischer and his family (who had flown in the previous evening) met with staff, elders, deacons, and pnc members for a luncheon. The following evening Rich preached, and he and his family met the congregation at receptions before and after the Saturday evening service. Sunday morning Rich preached twice, then was interviewed (as was the cpnc) at a called congregational meeting. He was then dismissed from the meeting for us to debate and vote on his call. The congregation approved a motion to release Dennis Okholm from his role as designated co-senior pastor (to return to parish associate) with little discussion. There was then substantial discussion once again on the call to Rich and the financial terms of his call.

A motion was made to recommend that a negative vote beyond 20% receive the consideration it would usually receive in this process but that had been determined to not apply here because of the special circumstances. There was debate, and then a verbal vote, which was not decisive. The vote was then retaken by both sides standing in turn, and the motion was defeated. There was more debate/discussion on the issue of the call, which met with increasing impatience from the congregation, who were hot and hungry and ready to vote. A motion was made to bring the discussion to a close and to call for a vote, and the motion carried. Ballots were distributed, marked, and collected face-down in the offering plates.

After voting, around a third of the members at the meeting left, and the rest were led in singing while the votes were counted. This time of singing was truly worshipful and warm. The results were finally announced (753 yes, 288 no), and Rich Kannwischer rejoined those on the platform to the warm applause of those who had remained and addressed us briefly, accepting the call. There were thanks to the cpnc committee members and to the guest moderator and to Steve Yamaguchi (executive presbyter of Los Ranchos) and Keith Geckler (stated clerk of Los Ranchos) and the cpnc were released from their roles. The moderator closed business appropriately, Rich gave us a benediction, and we went home.

My own reflections at this point are these: 1) there is a reason that Senior Pastors should come from outside the existing staff at a church, and I deeply regret the way this situation exposed Jim Birchfield to a 3-year working interview and the current result; 2) I am pleased with the work of the cpnc and with the polity of our denomination, and believe it has led us to the right candidate for our future; 3) I am glad for the way this has exposed us and shaken us up, and believe God will use that to refine us and heal the stuff that was well-hidden before this; and last 4) we’re all tired and hurting, on every side . . . and we need time now to rest, grieve, forgive, and move on toward a united future.

Adding my own analysis beyond that would not be helpful at this point, because I am also filled with mixed emotion, and because there is much to see as this coming year or two makes real the transition, with Rich starting September 1, John retiring in November, and Jim choosing to either invest himself fully into his role as head of Relational Discipleship or to simply do his job there while he actively pursues finding another call. All of us who have been active in lay ministry, all the support staff, and all the program staff have gone through major changes already in the last 2 years, and these next 2 years promise more of the same. I suspect that many – like me – will turn inward toward their own personal sense of call and walk, and trust God that He will be there as the story emerges and we each see where we fit in the new reality of St. Andrew’s. I also suspect that most will reinvest into this community, and that those who end up leaving will leave more because they no longer fit the conservative theology or because they find themselves unable to do the ministry that they are drawn to do than because of any of these changes in leadership, which seems at least to have perpetuated our heritage as a conservative evangelical church in our denomination.

So, with that unedited ramble . . . I am off to Forest Home for the week, and will have limited access to my blog, to email, and to FaceBook and Twitter. Thanks to everyone for your prayers!

A Must-See Video

I posted this months ago on FaceBook; so some of you may have seen it then. But I know many of the people I care about are NOT on FaceBook; so here it is again. I think it is a "must-see" bit of modern life.

The New Truly-Multigenerational World

This morning I read a post on the Wall Street Journal blog site about the new generation, which the blogger calls the F-Generation (and I'd bet that that label just may stick.) I also read Mark Brown's application of that post to the Church. I highly recommend both to you, and I won't take the time to cover all the points in both blogs here. What I will write presumes that you have read these posts, though . . . so if you don't read them, assume that you don't follow my thoughts because you don't understand their foundation.

We are each called to live out our lives this day - moment by moment - in stewardship of all God has given each of us, and in active love and kindness toward those we impact. Jesus was clear about the primary evidence of true obedience to Him - active love and kindness toward each other in the Church, active love and kindness toward the stranger, and active love and kindness toward our enemies. As we experience the long life spans that are becoming normal and will increase, our primary challenge to this kind of love is ceasing to be the old divisions between races and creeds and genders and sexual orientation and political or economic groups - although we still need to pay attention to equality in all those areas. As we experience the fruit of medical and healthy-lifestyle advances in our longer lives, the primary challenge to a living and active expression of our faith is becoming the divisions in culture between our generations. (Although we have always had generation gaps, we have not always had 5 generations alive at any given time and the older generations so very well populated!)

My challenge to all of us who call ourselves "Christians" or "Disciples" or "Followers of Jesus" is that we would spend the energy to bridge the huge gaps we experience with those older than us and with those younger than us. When we experience the frustration of having an encounter that leaves us shaking our heads in wonder -- or even worse, feeling abused and disrespected -- it is so easy to retreat to the safety of the people who make sense to us, and to avoid the "abuse" of those whose world-views and values are so perplexing. But a genuine expression of love engages those who are difficult, rather than allowing walls and divisions to grow and flourish. If we are genuinely committed to being obedient to Jesus, we will let the power of His Spirit work in us to give us the fortitude to show love by listening and considering, and by offering real continuing relationships of engagement with each other.

My challenge to my parents and their generation and the one older than them (so to the parents of the baby boomers and to their parents who are still living) is to take the time to understand the strengths of the new generations (those younger than the baby boomers) and to also understand that the contempt that they perceive is often not contempt for them or for their values and opinions, but rather simple refusal to give respect to old structures of authority that no longer hold power. (Read the posts I link above!) They are perfectly willing to show you respect and to show your opinions and values respect, as long as they are given the reciprocal respect that says "you are capable of considering all the evidence and forming opinions and living lives that make sense, and I am not going to attempt to take that away from you."

My challenge to the younger generations is that they cultivate the social skills and emotional fortitude that allow them to express their disagreements and refusals in ways that do not come across as contemptuous or angry; and that they cultivate a compassion for the way the older generations (including the baby boomers) have invested themselves in their ideas and values over many years, and so find it excruciatingly painful or even unthinkable to consider that they may have been wrong in some of their basic assumptions about life. In many ways you may have to nurture yourselves because those older than you cannot affirm your beliefs and choices, and you must trust that if you are right the rightness of your beliefs will not only reward you but even give you the ability to nurture and heal those who lived their lives based on some wrong assumptions.

And to the leaders of our churches and of our denominations . . . you have my prayers as you are asked to please those who resolutely protect all that they truly believe to be right and holy, and to also embrace the passion and insight of those who rejoice in a new entrepreneurial open-source world that they see as closer to the coming New Heavens and New Earth! May you strive to please only God, and out of that may you play the role that God calls you to play in God's purposes in these years!

God is here, among us! He sees each heart, and fully understands the dynamics in each culture and structure. He is actively working to shape each of us, and is actively working to heal our cultures and structures. When we trust the power of the Triune God to accomplish God's full purposes, we find ourselves willing to receive that power to reach out and be the agents of reconciliation that we are each called to be.

Lent and Music

I have been finding again how powerfully scripture and the creeds of our faith speak to me when they speak through good music, rather than just through reading the words of scripture from my Bible or lectionary.

The album "The Lord's Supper" has been the theme of my Lent this year, and I am breaking my silence here on my blog to recommend it again to you. It can be bought used or new from several on-line sources, or can be downloaded here:

The Lord's Supper
by John Michael Talbot

or it is now finally available from iTunes in the double CD release with "Be Exalted".

No matter what kind of music you're into, try it and take enough time with it to learn it. It is one of those productions that can speak to rock fans, alternative fans, indie fans, or classical fans . . .

Here is a nice sample song from my favorite album by JMT - "Come to the Quiet", which also is available for download on Amazon or iTunes:



Let the words of scripture surround you and nourish you through song!

my determination and my submission

My life is so interesting I can't stand it sometimes. I'm sure that's what drives me to retreat into solitude daily and weekly . . . . I just have to, in order to sort and recover. I have input from my own 4 boys and from my husband and two stepsons and from friends and from work and from church and from the world that throbs with life around me -- and it is very full of different ways of looking at reality and very full of different values about what really matters and what really satisfies. I live in the midst of people who see life very differently from each other.

My desire 3 years ago was to go to seminary and be ordained in the PCUSA, and to use my gifts in writing and teaching to lead others to begin to view life through new eyes and to begin to experience life as the Triune God would want them to experience it in this day and age. These last 3 years have not detracted from my desire to do that . . . but they have changed the way I think that needs to happen to be what God is after for me and for those I impact.

I am a baby-boomer, but I live and work with many from the younger generations. They see the world through new eyes. Some baby-boomers get some of the younger perspective, but many really don't. And the parents of the baby-boomers mostly don't get any of us, it seems.

And God gets us all. The Triune God is at work with each person and each culture to accomplish God's purposes, and God is not surprised by this new world that my kids were born into. He led us right here.

Each of us, in each generation alive today, is called to radical obedience to the God Who is at work. Each of us is called to sort out all the input. Each of us is called to community. And each of us is called to learn to hear and obey the voice of our Shepherd from the midst of a tangled mess of sheep who respond to other voices.

The CHURCH is called to find unity in our diversity because we all respond to that same voice. That truly takes the power of the Holy Spirit in the midst of the generational and cultural differences in our church-around-the-world right now. But is that new?

So . . .

I am part of a local congregation that is being as faithful as a bunch of sinners can be to the calls to us today: living out the old message in ways that don't miss the point of that old message in our new generation(s), and staying in community with the larger church-around-the-world.

And I am committed to putting daily obedience to the Triune God above any other ministry goal .

And I am in accountable relationships with others who are committed to the same things.

And I am in dialogue with the wider church as an individual, not just relying on my local community to be in that dialogue.

********************************************************************************

It seems to me that a big part of my personal obedience is that I will not become a teacher who doesn't live in the same world as those she teaches, but that I will stay in secular employment and in a "dumbed-down" ability to do teaching and ministry because I will be more useful to God from the midst of "real life" than from a "vocational ministry" position. I feel very called to teach and model radical obedience to the real God from the position of real life in which He has placed me. I feel very called to challenge every other follower to the same kind of commitment. We don't get to see ministry and obedience as the providence of "professional Christians" anymore.

What I have found -- out of it all -- is that there is indeed a VOICE that is being heard by others and that we are responding to together.

So, despite all the input and all the competing demands upon me for attention and commitment and action, there is clarity and peace.

The same God that created and sustained creation and brought Jesus among us . . . the same Spirit that has been at work for 2000 years to accomplish God's purposes in the new covenant community . . . that Triune God is doing a new thing today. Creation continues, and displays the character and glory of the God who created me and you to know God and enjoy God forever.

Today the Kingdom is here.

This is NOT a game

I woke up happy this morning. Things are going well in my family and in our lives. And the biggest part of that is spiritual, not that we fit the "American Dream" or even that we fit the old idea I grew up with of a "healthy Christian family."

I woke up with an old Randy Stonehill song playing in my mind - a song I haven't owned or heard in years and years and years. It is this:

NEWS FOR YOU
Randy Stonehill

Everybody's going to the movies
Everybody's leavin' for the show
Seems as if we've lost the nerves for feeling
And no one's in the mood to want to know

I've got news for you this is not a game
I've got news for you are you Listenin'
I've got news for you we are all the same
And when that is understood we can start to live again

Can you look inside yourself and tell me
That your emptiness is just a state of mind
And you'll feel better if you just keep busy
If you leave your feelings all behind

I've got news for you this is not a game
I've got news for you are you listenin'
I've got news for you we are all to blame
And when that is understood we can start to live again
Oh start to live again
People people tell me where have we been

Ever feel as if your heart was whispering
Like a special Voice you never heard before
And something deep inside your soul was tickin'
As if someone was pounding on the door

I've got news for you this is not a game
I've got news for you are you listenin'
I've got news for you we are all the same
I've got news for you this is not a game
I've got news for you we are all the blame
And when that is understood we can start to live again
Yes when that is understood we can start to live again

© 1976 KING OF HEARTS PUBLISHING

So I got the kids bathed and dressed and fed, studied their spelling words with them, and got them to school. Then I sat and had my time planning my work day, and a quick quiet time. And out of that time of prayer I sought out these lyrics, ordered the CD that they were originally off of, and downloaded a new recording of the song.

Now I'm off to work my day, with the plan for more solitude after the work is done and before I get the boys . . .

And I am living the life that I am called to live this day. Right here. Right now.

"Marketing" vs "Offering a Quality Product and Environment"

One of my friends posted the video below on his FaceBook page, and I wanted to share it here as well. I come from a past where "marketing Jesus" was something that made me a "good Christian", and am in a church right now that sometimes has this kind of weird overtone that gets in the way of outsiders seeing the authentic community and love that keeps me at my current church. (I'd love if we could lose the weird overtone and just trust that living lives built on the real joy and transformational power that I find in Jesus would accomplish things that "marketing" gets in the way of accomplishing!)

"Keeping Safe From Sin" vs "Valuing People"

The Rabbis of Jesus' day had added to the Law all kinds of additional rules to keep safe from their own sinfulness and the sinfulness of others. They loved God, and knew following God was hard. They knew that the ebb and flow of their own passions would draw them away from following faithfully. And they desperately wanted to stay focused and safe!

And then Jesus came along and ignored all the purity rules. He valued people over His own purity! Imagine that!

Jesus took water from a Samaritan woman, and conversed with her alone. Scandalous! Even the woman assumed that He was interested in flirting or more. But Jesus was actually interested in this sinful heathen woman as a PERSON just like you or me, and not as a sexual object -- and was so interested in her as a PERSON that he was unconcerned about appearances or modeling inappropriate boundaries for others, let alone about his own vulnerability.

Jesus let lepers into his personal space. He was so interested in them as PERSONS that He was unconcerned about his own health or the potential for spreading disease to others or the poor modeling of adherence to a good law that was in the best interests of all.

Jesus let a known prostitute touch his feet very intimately. Again, he was so interested in her as a PERSON that he was unconcerned about all the things that he "ought" to have been considering to model holy living.

Jesus went to eat at the home of a tax collector. This action said that the man could move from the category "social pariah" to the category of those that could inherit the Kingdom that Jesus said was among them.

Jesus -- over and over, in his stories and in his actions -- set the stage for what we later see Peter and Paul doing in terms of how they interacted with the sinners around them and in terms of how they managed their concern for purity in their own lives as followers of Jesus.

Over and over we see this astounding truth: Jesus cares more about including everyone who wants to be included in the Kingdom than he cares about making the Kingdom a "safe and pure" place.

Perhaps the nature of the Kingdom is that it cannot fail to purify and cannot fail to save . . . and that any who would come and follow are welcome to do so.

For us:
. . . who am I keeping out because I'm afraid I'll be "stained" by their "sin", as if they were worse than me?
. . . and who am I failing to value as Jesus does, and thereby proving that I have never set foot in the Kingdom at all, or I would never imagine that I could protect myself or the Kingdom by acting in a way that is contrary to the nature of the King?

"Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors" . . . and my debts to Him are so much greater than anyone's debts to me!

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" . . . because HE owns the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, and is the ONE who will keep us safe from our own yuckiness . . . but NOT if we try to keep ourselves safe by excluding any of the ones welcomed by HIS own arms!

The only way over our fear of "sinners" is to fully experience the depth of our own depravity and the power of our God to save us out of it! Then we no longer fear anyone, and we know that his power and his truth can certainly save any other person . . . after all, if he could save me, YOU are infinitely easier than I was and will be!

SIN that makes one impure is not primarily sexual in nature, nor is it primarily of greed, nor is it primarily of laziness . . .

SIN that makes one impure is the sin that blinds itself to TRUTH and tries to make a safer, purer world through rules or a "freer" or more satisfying world through taking God's grace and truth lightly.

We fail to listen to each other and even to listen to our own hearts because we fail to listen to Jesus.

The Yorba Linda Fires

I am home with the boys today -- and with an additional friend for a few hours, as Noah's best friend Matthew hangs here a little. Yorba Linda schools are closed.

The fires are still not completely contained, according to Current stats on the Freeway Fire posted this morning.

This map is pretty dramatic:

Map of the Freeway Fire

We had fire throughout the ridge of Chino Hills that goes behind us, all the way from the 91 to the 57. And I suspect that my favorite spots to hike have been scorched and destroyed for years. How sad!

Please pray for all those who lost their homes, and for the continued efforts to control the fire!

A remarkable ride home from school with Noah and Brooks

I picked up Noah and Brooks after my work day was done, and was driving home with them from their school. I have a few of my favorite CDs in my 6-CD changer in my van, and rarely change them . . .

The song "Come Before the Lord" off of the album "No Greater Love" by Glenn Kaiser and Friends came on the CD player, and I had the honor of hearing a full rendition from the back seat by my seven-year-old Brooksie and my nine-year-old-in-two-weeks Noah . . . and they knew every word! I had chills run up and down my spine and relished the four-and-a-half minutes in which they gave this song their all. It was a snapshot of the best parts of raising a family, and I am and was very grateful!

I have always said that it was music and not sermons or books that gave me the passion for our Triune God that I possess, and that it was music that really taught my heart the TRUTHS that work when I live them out. Something about music goes right past my overly-analytic mind and writes beautiful things in the deepest places of my being.

Today the teaching came from two little boys, and said "the things that really matter also really satisfy!" and "God is teaching Noah and Brooks all they need to know, and is helping you do an adequate job of being His tool in that!" Both of those messages are precious to me today, and were very much needed.

Charlie Peacock, the Resurrection Band, Larry Norman, Glenn Kaiser, and Rich Mullins have been my best teachers over the years . . . and early on I would have included John Fisher and Chuck Girard in that. These days I also include Hillsong United, Third Day, Matthew West, Kutless and many others. They have been the best teachers of theology to me!

I love that 22-year-old Josh has a Rich Mullins ring tone on his phone . . . and love that he sits and listens to my music as I work sometimes. I love that he and my 23-year-old Mike really do love God and are following Him. And I wonder if their mom's love for music that preaches a God that loves them and is worth following had more of an impact on that than any of my words?

I was looking for a clip of the song the boys were singing today, and couldn't find it . . . but I found this video of another of my Glenn Kaiser favorites, and thought I'd post it here for anyone interested. It gets to the heart of what drives me, and what I hope drives my boys. I need God's love more than I need anything else, and so do they. May they know the reality of that in their very core!

Re-posting an old post . . . "I'm not to blame!"

Okay, a confession: I think this video is funny and I like it.

But: If you are someone who would just as soon not watch anything that has a definitely liberal theme and is mildly vulgar, don't play it, okay?

And if you do play it, remember that what it is saying is "I can't blame my problems on someone else." Period. It is a snide look at the way we find people and situations that have little to do with our own lives and avoid taking responsibility for our own lives by focusing on theirs. That's all.

The details make it funny. Look at the husband's T-shirt. Watch the whole video a couple of times to pick up on the ironic details. They are all geared to "put the lie" to his statement about who's to blame in each situation he encounters.

As for my "stand" on whether or not gays should be getting married, and what we should do about that (if anything) . . . that requires a post of its own sometime.

And if you watch this and find yourself all in a tizzy about the idea that I would post this rather than post against the evils of gay marriage and how we need to protect the family by voting for prop 8 . . . then I suggest you remember that the things that really satisfy the human heart sell themselves, and that I am committed to following Jesus in a way that shows all the TRUTH about the abundant life that we only get from HIM -- not from the evangelical version of the American Dream, and not from protecting legally the evangelical version of the American Dream. Let's remember Reinhold Niebuhr's original serenity prayer (God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other) and make it a reality in our daily obedience to the One Who satisfies, shall we?